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Mar 28

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The miracle of fluidity

Fluidity.  It’s not something I thought I’d be talking about here.  But sometimes I don’t get to choose the subject because my psyche won’t allow me to write about anything else until this particular thing is dealt with.

I have received questions about my sexuality since I was a teenager. I remember the first time someone asked me if I was gay – we were in high school and the thought had never entered my mind. I was stumped – I had no idea how to respond.  I think I mumbled, “Of course not!” and then went home to obsess over why someone would ask me that.

The question came up again several times in college and I was better prepared to answer – I know that I like boys; maybe I could like girls too, but I don’t know.

I’m not sure why this question kept coming up, unless it was because I didn’t date much. Maybe not dating = gay.

But then it happened. I’ll never forget the day that I realized I’d fallen in love with a woman. She came to speak to me and I dropped a three-hole punch on my foot. I was 24 and it was the first time I’d experienced anything like it – not just attraction to a woman, but full body-and-soul attraction to anyone. We never got involved, but she was kind, loving, and generous with me and I’ll always be grateful.

Over the years, I’ve moved back and forth in my attractions between men and women. My major relationships have been with men, but some of my most profound learning experiences about myself have happened with women.

I’ve gone through periods of absolute certainty that I was a lesbian. Other times I knew for sure I was straight. A lot of the time I thought of myself as bisexual.

But bigger than all of that, most of the time I was ashamed. Not ashamed of my sexuality – thank goodness I was raised by parents who instilled in me the notion that it’s okay to be whoever I am. No, the shame lay in a different part of my soul – the part that said, “But I’ve told people that I’m a lesbian; how can I tell them I’m bisexual now? They’ll think I’m one of those girls who can’t decide.” The sexuality itself didn’t lead to self-hatred, but my inability to consistently check off one of the pre-approved boxes did.

I remember being at a gathering of young lesbians in Boston when I was in my mid-20s and as we went around the circle to introduce ourselves one of the women said, “Even in this group I feel like I have to come out as bisexual.”  I knew exactly how she felt – not entirely acceptable to the straight world, and not at all acceptable to the lesbian world.

Over the last few years I’ve heard a lot about how women’s sexuality is more fluid than men’s. Suddenly today I understood it in a whole new way. Today it occurred to me that my sexuality is – and always has been – fluid. For the first time I feel like all that old shame of not being able to define myself can fall away.

There are things about masculinity that I find very attractive; there are things about femininity that I find very attractive. It’s not that I can’t decide. There are times in my life when my soul cries out to be surrounded by feminine energy. There are other times when my feminine self wants to experience the complement of masculine energy. It’s not about plumbing, it’s about how I can best experience myself in any given moment.

At this point in my life, I feel the call to surround myself with male energy, to fully experience my feminine self as a contrast and completion to someone else’s masculine self. As I look into the future, I feel some high degree of certainty that my life partner will be a man. And the biggest relief is that none of that diminishes who and where I’ve been in the past. I don’t have to be ashamed of any of it anymore because of that one little word – fluid.

Today’s miracle – a deeper sense of inner peace.  Thank you God.

About the author

Leah Carey

Leah Carey is the Chief Miracle Officer of The Miracle Journal, where she writes about the large and small miracles that happen in her life every day. She is a life coach, speaker, journalist, freelance writer, and lover of life. In all of those pursuits, she works with people to identify what’s already right in your life so you can build an even more joyful and fulfilling daily experience from that foundation. You can find her on Facebook, , Twitter, and YouTube.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.themiraclejournal.com/2011/03/28/the-miracle-of-fluidity/

12 comments

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  1. Michelle Phillips

    Your miracle journal is beautiful…like you! Thank you for sharing your soul, your light…your honesty. Your authenticity is refreshing.

    1. Leah Carey

      Thank you so much Michelle. Just like you too. :-)

  2. Tonya

    I echo the same response as Michelle. I have seen your posts on fb & haven’t taken the time until tonight to read one of your miracles on your web. This whole subject has certainly resonated deep at the core of my very being over the last few years. Thank you for putting yourself out there & sharing what I believe so many women hide because of how society tends to slap labels on us. May we all understand at some point in our life we’re right where we’re meant to be at this very moment….perfect whole and complete.blessing s to you my friend

    1. Leah Carey

      Thank you so much Tonya. Your words mean a lot to me. I hope that you are finding peace and joy right where you are. :-) With love to you…

  3. Jennifer Strong

    I am stealing the name you have given your sexuality for myself as well. It’s the new box to check. Reading that was the good kind of scarey… LOVE YOU!!

    1. Leah Carey

      I’ll see you in the new box! Sending you love too. :-)

  4. Wendy Isidoro

    Leah – your post sounds so much like me. I had been asked when I was in 6th grade if I was a lesbian because I always put myself out there and wore my love of all people on my sleeve. I contemplated my whole life about my sexuality. Then one day I realized that I don’t fall in love with the gender of an individual, I fall in love with the person regardless of their gender. Once I realized that, I was able to be true to myself and let the universe take me on the path I was destine for. Labels are just that, labels and we are not labels, we are individuals. I am now happily in love with another woman and it is where I was meant to be right now and forever I hope. So let your heart and soul guide you and what ever it tells you at what ever time, just go with the flow. Life is too short to get caught up in labels. Love you, Wendy

    1. Leah Carey

      Completely agreed, Wendy!

  5. Frank DeVito

    Leah, I love how you are approaching sexuality as something sacred– as something miraculous. I think many people have a misguided notion that people who are walking the soul’s path live in cubicles of self-definition. Your understanding of fluidity is a deep insight in how the Spirit works. When the letters and journals of Mother Teresa were released, people were surprised and even offended by the doubts that had permeated her life. We like our saints to be certain about everything just like we want our spiritual leaders to be clear about who and what they are.

    The reality is that we are infinite beings and infinite means infinite. There is so much about ourselves that we haven’t discovered. We all need to come out of the closet of our closed definitions!

  6. lucia

    Thanks for bringing forth the idea of “Fluidity”…I’ve heard it before and know that it is something that is true for many, if not most people.
    As you mentioned saying you are “bi sexual” in most circles is niether understood nor welcomed. There is the perception that you are either; promiscous, afraid to admit that you’re gay, or that you were living a lie. This is what I’ve found in the nearly 4 years that I have decided to seek a female partner after living my life up until now(happily) as a heretosexual.
    I’ve been on a couple of personals sites and when asked have pressed the button for “bisexual” believe me this makes things complicated. I have been insulted, dismissed and even told to change it to lesbian as “that is what you are now.”
    Very confusing…any comments?

  7. Leah Carey

    Hi Lucia, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree – there are still a lot of misconceptions out there about bisexuality. I remember talking with customer support at Match.com a couple of years ago asking for a duplicate profile so that I could correspond with both men and women and they said I’d have to pay for two separate profiles. When I suggested that was an unfair practice the woman said, “Well you should just say in your profile that you’re bisexual and want to talk with both sexes.” Which, as you know, is unworkable on SO many levels.

    What I keep coming back to is this – when “my person” shows up, he or she will be willing and able to see beyond the silly details because *I* am willing to see beyond them. As long as I hold on to any fear or baggage about sexuality, I’ll attract people who have baggage about it. But as I drop the baggage, I don’t tolerate people in my world who have that baggage so the right people stand out more clearly.

    I chose to embrace the word “fluidity” because it FEELS good to me, which means that I can drop some more of my suitcases. :-)

    Would you really want to have someone in your life who is so threatened by your choices that they have to insult you? Perhaps another way to look at it is to give thanks that they’ve identified themselves so readily – now you can eliminate them from your dating pool without a second thought.

    Only you know who you are in your heart. The question now is what type of treatment are you willing to allow in your world?
    Sending you a hug, Leah

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