It’s been a weird few days. Old sadness has been coming up – stuff that I thought was long-since dealt with. Apparently I was quite wrong.
As I’ve mentioned before, I ended a relationship last summer. He was a kind and loving man, and there were times when we were really good together. But it was not a relationship that I could sustain long-term, so I had to end it. It was painful because I loved him so dearly. I think we were both settling for something less than what we truly wanted. He was willing to continue settling. I wasn’t.
I went through a period of deep mourning through the summer. By the end of September, I felt ready to move forward. Ever since, I’ve been intent on opening myself to the place where I could find my true “forever” love. I thought that I had completed my emotional attachment to him for good.
Ahhhhh, no. For the last week, everywhere I turn things are reminding me of him. I walk down the juice aisle at the grocery store and I feel like I’ve been body-slammed by memories. I go to a part of town I don’t frequent and I am flooded by the sense memory of standing with him, hand-in-hand.
Every time it happens, I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched in the gut and the tears come up hot and fast. It’s been constantly under the surface, irritating every nerve in my emotional body.
And despite its constant presence and the profound emotional effect it’s been having on me, there are two things I have not been doing – talking about it and writing about it. The two things that I absolutely know will help to move it through and out of my system. The two things that I teach in lectures and workshops. The two things that, for me, sooth and calm even the hottest drama.
Today I had the chance to spend a few hours in the car with my mom. It’s the place where she and I do our best talking. Today she was good enough to listen as I released the steam that has been building up. She let me talk so that I could get it out of my system. I feel lighter and calmer than I have in days.
I don’t mean to suggest that the memories won’t continue or that the grieving is done. But the pressure valve has been released so it’s not building up to an explosion. I’m so grateful.
Thanks Mom. You’re amazing.
Today is a Two-Miracle Special!!! I didn’t post a miracle yesterday…and the story of why is also the miracle for the day.
I was going to spend the evening with friends when I found myself in a parking lot with a Wi-Fi signal and about a half hour before I needed to leave. It was a beautiful day, so I rolled down the windows and turned the car off, leaving the radio on low. I opened The Miracle Journal to write. I thought I’d only been writing for a few minutes, but I guess most of the half hour had elapsed when my car radio started acting really strange – making a weird buzzing noise, then turning itself on and off in rapid succession. I got really nervous – my dad once had a car spontaneously combust when it was parked and that story has always stayed with me. I immediately turned off the radio, turned the key all the way off, and tried to talk myself out of being really scared. A minute later, I tried the key and – nothing. The battery was dead, dead, dead.
I called AAA and the woman said someone would come jump my car within 45 minutes, so I settled in for a long radio-free wait. The jumper guy was there in SEVEN minutes!!! How’s that for a miracle?!?
Halfway up the road to my friend’s, I saw an enormous deer on the side of the road chomping on grass. It’s not an unusual sight up here, but it’s still one that I never take for granted.
If my car battery hadn’t died, I would have gone through that stretch of road 15 minutes earlier and I probably wouldn’t have seen the deer.
Plus I had a great evening with my friends.
A 7-minute AAA call, a deer, and a great night with good friends – pretty good miracle count, as far as I’m concerned!