Last weekend I wrote about entertaining the possibility of forgiveness for some old anger. I’ve spent the last four days knowing that it was time, that I had all the tools to do the work, and that I was the only one holding myself back. And yet, I resisted. I knew what to do, and yet I wouldn’t allow myself to do it.
Old voices kept saying in my head, “Why should I be the one to give in? How come I have to be the bigger person? Why can’t I just wait until they figure out that they did wrong and come apologize to me?”
But something shifted last weekend when I admitted out loud that the time had come to forgive. Even though I wasn’t actively doing the steps of the forgiveness process, my heart was already healing. I know because I could tell the old voices were just that – old, out-of-date, out-of-touch. I listened to them with one ear. Before last weekend, I’d been listening with my whole heart and soul.
Suddenly, while I was showering this morning, the words started coming out of my mouth. I didn’t even really have to try. They were just there. And the most amazing thing happened. I’d been anticipating that it would be a long, hard, emotional process with lots of levels and tentacles. It turns out that as soon as I said the first sentence out loud…it was done. I kept going and completed the process for good measure, but the anger literally fell away in under 2 seconds when these words came out of my mouth:
They were hurting. They didn’t know any better way to handle their hurt.
Every single thing I felt so righteously angry about for ten years fell away in light of that knowledge – they were hurting and they didn’t know any better way to handle it. They hadn’t viciously scoped me out as a target and willfully tried to hurt me – I just happened to be the closest person in range.
None of that means that what happened back then is magically okay – the things that happened weren’t okay. But I’m the only that I was hurting by staying angry. Letting go of the anger means that I’m no longer holding on to responsibility for keeping them in line. Now responsibility for their actions lies entirely with them to do with as they wish.
I was astonished at how fast it happened. I’ve seen instantaneous healings before in the workshops I lead and in other classes I’ve taken – moments where someone reaches deep inside of themselves and pulls up the absolute truth that sets them free. I’ve even experienced it before myself. But I guess what makes it miraculous is that you can’t plan for it or orchestrate the moment when it happens – it just happens.
Today I am grateful to myself for setting another little bit of my soul free. And that it was so effortless. Thank you God.
**If you’re interested in the forgiveness process that I use, leave a comment and I’ll be happy to send it to you. It’s very simple and very effective.**