There was one scene in the episode “Asian F” that blew me away. It’s the one where Mr. Schue fronts the club as they sing “Fix You” by Coldplay. It’s intercut with scenes of him feeling so helpless in the face of Emma’s suffering, trying to do anything that will help her to feel better.
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Lights will guide you home …
And I will try to fix you
When I was 24, I had my first serious relationship. I was drowning in depression but didn’t yet understand how serious it was. The two of us didn’t have the first clue how to communicate.
One of the things that he said to me periodically was, “Your father messed you up so badly that now I have to fix you.”
Those words made me feel even more helpless and hopeless. What I heard in those words was that I was even more irrevocably broken that I already believed. I heard that I was incapable of taking care of myself and that I needed someone else in order to be whole.
Fast forward 13 years to today. I’ve been an emotional wreck the past couple of weeks. I’ve been over-stressing myself with mental and emotional pressure. MBE had to head for home. The eleventh anniversary of my dad’s death is in a few days and I’m feeling really lonely.
As much as I’ve cried, never once has MBE said that he needs to fix me. He has never said that I need to be fixed, period. He listens and supports but he doesn’t try to fix. In fact, every once in a while when he gets really quiet during a conversation and I ask what’s going on in him, he’ll say, “I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head, but I don’t think any of them are helpful because you don’t need me to fix this for you.”
It occurred to me while watching this scene that, even in their love for us, one of the most disabling things that someone can do is to see us as broken and in need of fixing.
MBE believes in me. He believes in my strength. He believes in my wholeness.
In the moments when I have a hard time believing in those things, he believes in them for me. But he never, ever tries to fix me. Because he doesn’t see me as someone who needs to be fixed.
That is the greatest gift I can imagine.
Here’s the video (if you can’t see it, click here):