Today I had lunch with a friend who I don’t know all that well (I’ll call him J). I was honored when he contacted me and said that things were a bit tough right now and he could use a Miracle hug. :-) We had a conversation that was as deeply revealing for me as he said it was for him.
We talked about vulnerability, specifically the difference between two kinds of vulnerability – the one that we associate with being a victim and the one that allows us to be strong and resilient.
Vulnerability is a subject that’s been on my mind a lot lately.
Any relationship has its conflicts and Mr. Blue Eyes and I are not without ours. Having had such an intense connection from the beginning, we’ve allowed ourselves to be raw and vulnerable with each other – which is a wonderful thing until our issues start getting triggered. I think it’s the hallmark of a really strong relationship when the issues get triggered and we don’t walk away from each other. But that doesn’t make it any more fun in the moment that it’s happening.
My insecurities have been triggered big time recently. Every fear that I’ve ever had about whether I’m lovable has been making an appearance and it hasn’t been pretty. In the face of that, I struggle with how vulnerable I can allow myself to be with MBE.
During lunch I was musing to J about how much strength there is to be found in vulnerability when I suddenly realized that I was speaking more to myself than I was to him.
I allow myself to be vulnerable here with you on the Journal, showing you my inner most thoughts and learning – but I only do it when I’ve processed through it for myself first. When I’ve processed through something and come to a place of calm within myself, I know that I’m ready to share it, and I can usually do that with a fair amount of insight and a lack of victimy-ness.
That’s vulnerability from a place of strength.
The crazy that’s been coming up in relationship with Mr. Blue Eyes – that’s the crap that happens before anything has been processed, and I am anything but calm in the face of it.
That’s vulnerability that comes from feeling scared and wounded.
Depending on the day, I can descend into victimy-ness. I try really hard not to, but I’ve got to admit that lately I haven’t had a great track record. I’m starting to do some intensive work to move out of that space.
In conversation today with J, I realized that if I want to build a successful and long-lasting relationship with MBE, I must find my inner space of vulnerable strength on a more consistent basis. It’s the place I want to live from – not just when I write this journal, but all the time (or at least, as I joked with another friend, more than 50% of the time!)
I’m curious -
How vulnerable do you feel it’s safe for you to be
with your partner and/or closest friends?