This is a post I never, ever wanted to write. But here goes…
On Tuesday evening Mr. Blue Eyes and I decided to end our relationship. It was not a decision that was taken lightly by either of us and I think we’re both a bit heartbroken. Ultimately it was the right decision, but that doesn’t make it a single ounce easier.
I want to be careful about how I talk about this because I want to be respectful of his privacy, so it may take me a while to figure out how to tell this story – both for you and for myself.
Here’s what I can say with absolute certainty: there was no anger in our parting. I think if either of us knew a way to keep it from happening, we would have. Although the distance didn’t make things easier, it was not the cause. I will love and respect this man for the rest of my life. He has become my best friend and that is a relationship that I will continue to cherish. Our parting conversation was filled with love and tears.
Sadly, none of that changes the fact that my heart is broken. Exactly one month ago I was writing about how I had completely given my heart in love for the first time and I was all in. Not very long ago I really thought we were headed toward a life together. Sadly, sometimes things get in the way.
I’m not ready to look at miracles in the breakup (although I’m doubtless that they are there), but I don’t have to search far to find the biggest miracle of having had this relationship:
For the first time in my life, I opened my heart to love someone completely. It’s something that I’d always wondered if I was capable of. Now I know for sure.
There are plenty of others too: I opened myself to being loved; I learned that it was okay to show up as smart and I wouldn’t be chastised for it; I experienced a new level of trust and openness than I’d ever had before; I saw the people in my life open their hearts to the person I love.
And one more that is a bit different from the rest – I had the most amazing support in the days and months following Evie’s death. I could not have asked for someone better to walk through that experience with. He wrapped me in his love and didn’t let go. We were having our first phone conversation together when I learned she had died. Oddly, the man who killed her was released from the hospital on Tuesday and taken into custody – the same day that we broke up. It’s like some bizarre closing of a circle. I still don’t know how to wrap my head around that.
Life will go on. It will take some time. I will heal. I will love again. But right now it hurts. I’m sure that I’ll continue telling pieces of this story in the coming weeks, as I make sense of them for myself.
Ironically – or perhaps just because the Universe has a ridiculous sense of humor – for the next two weeks I’m immersed in creating a bridal guide for the newspaper. I spent today learning do-it-yourself tips for wedding flowers and listening to songs people use for their first dance. Next week I’ll go watch a bride trying on wedding dresses. Perhaps at some point I’ll find the miracle in that. For right now, I’ve given myself permission to be just a little jaded and snarky.
Thank you all for your love and support.