It’s been a hard week. I feel empty. I feel sad. There are things that remind me of Mr. Blue Eyes everywhere.
I also noticed that I’ve been engaging in some bad behaviors this week. Most notably, I’ve been fantasizing that we’ll get back together, even after he has made it clear that it isn’t in the cards for him. The fantasies include a game of trying to figure out what I could do/what I could say/how I could act that would cause him to fall back in love with me. That’s a nasty trap that yields no good results.
I was playing around on Twitter today – it’s a universe that still sort of puzzles me – and found this wonderful post by @kyliewriteshere:
Today, my superpower is PRESENCE. Come join me in selecting a superpower!
I thought about it for a few minutes and decided that my superhero power for today is ACCEPTANCE: letting the fantasies subside, releasing the hoped-for future, and accepting things as they are rather than trying to make them different.
I accept that I have been participating in bad behavior, but that doesn’t make me a bad person and I can make a new choice at any moment.
I accept that as painful as this is, it shows me that I am capable of loving deeply enough to have my heart broken.
I accept that not so long ago I said in these pages that I love him enough to let him go, if that’s what he needs for his journey. I didn’t expect those words to come to fruition so quickly or dramatically, but I believed them then and I believe them now.
I acknowledge that no matter how much we love each other, I cannot have the committed romantic relationship I want with this man. I don’t like it, but I accept that it is true.
I accept that I have to let Mr. Blue Eyes go in order to open space for the right one to show up.
And I accept that when it comes to finding a life mate, I desire the whole enchilada – making a home together, making a life together, committing ourselves to each other, and fully embracing each other in the fullness of who we are.
I will probably have to accept and re-accept these things multiple times. I know it’s not a once-and-you’re-done kind of healing. But we wouldn’t be superheroes if it were that easy, right?
What’s your superhero power today?