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Feb 21

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Will you still love me…

I had a profound – and profoundly disturbing – realization this morning as I spoke with my prayer partner.  I was telling her about an upsetting conversation I’d had over the weekend and, as sometimes happens, I started to hear myself speaking as if I were sitting on my own shoulder.  From that place, I heard the truth:

For my entire adult life, I’ve been trying to find someone who would love me even when I’m angry at them.  (Oof – that looks even uglier in print than it sounded in my head.)

When I was a kid, it was not safe to be angry with my father.  No matter the situation, he would turn it around so that I was the one who was wrong and bad.  I learned to hold the anger and pretend that everything was okay, even though it often felt like my world was falling apart.

I remember one afternoon when I was about 12. I got so angry at my dad that I couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I stormed out of the room.  I went to cry in the bedroom.  He came in and tried to make some jokes to get me to laugh (which was his usual way of not having to talk about whatever was really going on).  I was too upset to even make the “correct” response.  I said to him, “Go away.”  What I really wanted was for him to sit down and hug me and tell me that he loved him.  Instead he walked out of the room and didn’t speak to me for a couple of weeks.  That was life with my father.

And so I have searched for that person who I could rage at and still have them sit down beside me and say, “I know you’re hurting and it’s okay.  I love you anyway.  I love you so much that I’ll sit here with you until it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.  I’ll be your safe place.”

Will You Still Love Me TomorrowI’ve wanted it so much that I think I may have created reasons to be angry at people (more specifically men, since this is clearly a “daddy” issue) in order to test them and see if they would stick around and still love me.

I talked all of this out this morning and my prayer partner said, “What about you?  Can you still love you if you’re angry?”

WOW.  Good question.  And it’s the crux of the issue – if I’m not able to look at myself with compassion for the hurt and angry little girl that lives inside, why would I expect anyone else to?

And then she said something else profound – “There are a whole lot of men walking around with hurt little boys inside.”  (This wasn’t a jab at men, it was a recognition that this society doesn’t teach our men how to deal with hurt, only to stuff it down and act macho.)

So let’s imagine this: I’m searching for a male who can satisfy the the needs and longings of the hurt five-year old girl inside me. Most of the men I encounter in the world are trying to satisfy the needs and longings of the hurt five-year old boy inside of them…no good can come of that scenario.

So I continue my work.  No, I don’t expect that I’ll ever have perfectly dealt with all of the issues.  But days like today are important – days when I recognize another little piece of my personal melody and perhaps stop playing the same tune over and over.

About the author

Leah Carey

Leah Carey is the Chief Miracle Officer of The Miracle Journal, where she writes about the large and small miracles that happen in her life every day. She is a life coach, speaker, journalist, freelance writer, and lover of life. In all of those pursuits, she works with people to identify what’s already right in your life so you can build an even more joyful and fulfilling daily experience from that foundation. You can find her on Facebook, , Twitter, and YouTube.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.themiraclejournal.com/2012/02/21/will-you-still-love-me/

4 comments

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  1. Anna

    I find it very telling, my friend, that in your third paragraph you say “What I really wanted was for him to sit down and hug me and tell me that HE LOVED HIM.” Maybe your subconscious was participating in your writing today, since it sounds to me that one of your biggest issues with your dad was that you perceived him as profoundly self-conscious, and that his inability to be unconditional with you still causes you a great deal of pain.

    I don’t really have a conclusion to draw, but I thought it was an interesting little flag…

    Hugs –

    Anna

    1. Leah Carey

      Fascinating! Thanks for pointing that out, Anna. I obviously didn’t notice it while I was writing. :-)

  2. Lisa LaPlante

    I can completely relate to this – in my own self talk terminology. Worthiness. “Please tell me you still love me when I don’t feel worthy enough of love.” “Please tell me I’m still worthy of love even in our most troubling times, and even when we disagree or I feel you don’t agree with my thoughts, feelings, or position on something.” “Please tell me it’s okay to say what I really believe and you won’t go ‘poof’!” Or more importantly – “Please tell /show me I am loveable through it all.”

    I love you my friend. And to elaborate on some of your thoughts… I think it’s the 5 yr old girl, and more likely the 13 yr old boy… who are healing themselves…. which becomes even more challenging to be compatible.

    <3

    1. Leah Carey

      Sending you a big hug, Lisa. The one in your list that strikes the deepest chord is “Please tell me it’s okay to say what I really believe and you won’t go ‘poof’!” Oh yes.

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