When 2011 ended and took with it the relationship I had hoped might last forever, I spent a lot of time questioning myself. Never having given my heart fully before, the relationship represented a whole new world for me.
**Let me insert here – I’m not trying to withhold anything by being vague. If you’ve been reading, you know the story; if you are a new reader, it’s all in the pages of the journal. He has asked me not to write about him specifically anymore and I think that’s a reasonable request. I will no longer be using his nickname or talking about specifics. I will continue to write about my experience, but I will leave him out of it as much as possible.**
So back to the topic at hand -
There were ways in which it was better than I’d ever dreamed possible. He treated me better (and I allowed him to treat me better) than anyone ever had before. We had endless conversations about books and ideas that fascinated us both. We shared common values and were invested in seeing each other succeed. I felt supported, loved, and completely safe.
When I think about all that, the biggest question I’ve tortured myself with is: will I ever find something that good again?
Here’s the answer that occurred to me the other day:
No. I absolutely, positively will not.
I will find something better. Not a better person, but a more cohesive relationship. Maybe even a relationship that lasts for many, many years.
If I think too hard about the specifics, I get lost again. If I think about whether I’ll find someone as smart as him… or whether there’s someone I can read and talk with like I did with him…or whether there’s someone who (insert other desirable qualities here)…I get scared.
But if I think about whether there’s a person out there who will fit me fully and completely, I feel okay. Perhaps we’ll read together, perhaps we won’t. Perhaps he’ll write spreadsheets for me, perhaps he won’t. But those are details that don’t really matter in the overall scheme.
What matters is the overall feeling of being together. This relationship gave me the blessing of feeling safe, secure, and loved. I will no longer settle for less. The details can take care of themselves.
I’m starting to gather my energy to move forward. I feel myself coming
out of hibernation. I’ve made some new friends recently and I’m trying to get out more. I still have waves of sadness come over me, but they don’t come as often and they’re not as long-lasting or all-encompassing (the fact that I’m crying while I write this notwithstanding! )
So there’s the miracle – I won’t find something as good. I’ll find something better.