On Sunday morning, I had 3 or 4 really happy hours. Normally I wouldn’t think that was so unusual, but they’re the first truly carefree hours I’ve had since the breakup. I think it means that I’m starting to round the bend. Which brings me to an uncomfortable confession.
When I wrote last week about questioning whether I was ready to date again, I’m not sure it was entirely true. It felt true in the moment, but on further reflection I think that feeling of not moving forward was actually a feeling of holding myself back.
(This next piece is really hard to put into words, so please bear with me…)
There is a part of me that was refusing to let go of him. She knows that he has a tender heart, so she thought that if she kept reminding him how hurt she was, he would feel too guilty to move on and start dating again. She is afraid that if he starts seeing other women, her heart will break again. So in order to keep him from moving on, she has kept reminding herself (me) of how hurt and distraught she is. She kept telling me so loudly that I would write about it in the (sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious) hopes that he is still reading and would see it.
When I say “she” instead of “me”, I say it not to remove my own responsibility, but rather to distinguish that wounded little girl piece of me from the adult who is ostensibly in charge of running my life now.
The adult has been buying into the little girl’s tale of distress. And it’s true – from the perspective of the little girl. I’m no longer convinced that it’s true from the perspective of the adult. In fact, while I don’t yet know what the truth is, I can now say that it’s not that.
I’ve been holding my own self in torment in order to punish someone else. I’ve been participating in manipulation and taking you all along for the ride. For that I apologize.
So am I ready to date? Maybe. Probably. I think it may be one of those “get back up on the horse and ride” moments. Although it will be different now.
He taught me that so much more is available to me than I ever thought possible. I can no longer settle for less.
I’m glad that on my birthday last year I committed to accepting a date with anyone who asked – it was a good experience to feel that free. But I’m done with that now because I know in my heart what I’m looking for and it no longer feels like it would serve me to spend time with people who I already know aren’t what I’m looking for. It’s true in my friendships as well. I feel like I’m coming more into myself and I’m finding my people. I’m astonished at the number of them who have shown up just in the last couple of months. They are everywhere, I just have to clear space so they have room to sit down and make themselves comfortable.
So..to the dear sweet man who came into my life and burned so hot and bright: thank you. I’m sorry for my behavior over the last couple of months. You have changed my life forever and I am deeply grateful.
I’m ready to let go so we can both be free.
On Wednesday I’ll be a guest on the Blog Talk Radio show “Love Your Path”with Nancy Brook. You can listen at 8 p.m. (EST) on March 21st at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/LoveYourPath. There will also be an archived version available after the broadcast and I’ll share that link with you when I get it.
PS – Juicy Tips For Miraculous Living go out Tuesday! If you haven’t signed up yet, do it now so you don’t miss it.
Image found here.