The truth is that a week later, I’m still there. I’m emotionally exhausted and still working things through in my mind and heart. This isn’t an easy place for me to be in.
My last relationship was six months long (some of it was chronicled here on the Journal). We’ve now been apart for almost six months. There’s a part of my brain that is telling me that I should be over it by now. But the other part of my brain knows that I’m still healing and grieving something much bigger and much deeper than just those six months. I’m healing through a lifetime of beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me.
On the post Desperately Seeking Dysfunction, Judy commented:
“But how do you let go? My intellect is fine with that, but my emotions so far are having nothing to do with it! It’s been two months now & I am not getting better – I am still super attached & sad & grieving.”
I’ve been sitting with her question for the last week, waiting for the response to fully form. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far —
The letting go process doesn’t happen on a time table. It happens in increments of the heart, and there is no way to predict how or when each increment will happen.
The most important part of the journey, though, is forgiveness. In my case, I need to forgive myself for wanting him to give me what I needed to give myself. I need to forgive myself for choosing someone who couldn’t meet me in a place of healing and forward movement. I need to forgive myself for wanting someone else to heal my pain. And I need to forgive him for not being the person I wanted him to be (which is ultimately about forgiving myself again.)
I think those (and probably other) forgivenesses are at the base of letting go. And the forgiveness is entirely for my own sake…because as long as I hold on to the anger and sadness that I’m currently feeling, I can’t move forward.
Image found here.