How is it possible that I feel like things are all coming together and falling apart at the same time? I don’t know the answer to that – perhaps there’s not meant to be one, but that’s the place I’m in at the moment.
I have a mission, I have drive, I have goals. I know what work I have to do and I’m excited about doing it.
I also have too much to do and a limited amount of time and energy. There are still waves of sadness from last winter’s break up, and one of them has been washing over me this week. I have less tolerance and less compassion for the everyday bulls**t right now than usual.
I am both eager to spend time with my friends who rejuvenate me, and exhausted by the energy it takes to be present. I love the work I do at the newspaper and the people I work with, and I’m also not dealing as well as usual with the “personalities” that surround me.
There is so much that I want to do and experience and accomplish right now, and yet I’m so bloody exhausted. My mind calls me to the computer, to editing the book, to planning the workshop. My body calls me to take the night off and watch television or read a book.
I guess the obvious question is – what is my heart calling me to do? And the truth is, I haven’t slowed down far enough to listen for an answer.
So I guess tonight’s miracle is that I just wrote my way to an answer: to take a few minutes that aren’t dedicated to either furious productivity or zoning out, and find out what I need to listen to.