For the last 20 months, I’ve been completely dedicated to this Journal. I occasionally missed a night, but I usually posted five times a week. I did my best to always do it at 9:30 p.m. It was a structure that worked for me.
Until, about six weeks ago, when it suddenly didn’t work at all anymore. Even before the big project at work took over my life, I was struggling to get inspired to write each night. And though I still managed to post most nights, some of my closest friends started to notice that I was just posting stuff. I wasn’t really writing, I was just putting some words together and calling it good enough.
So I swung to the other end of the spectrum – for three weeks, I gave myself permission to not post at all. And an amazing thing started to happen – I began to miss writing. I had words and ideas rolling around in my head, looking for a way out. I suppose one of the blessings of that time is that I was SO tired, I didn’t have the energy to give them the outlet, so the energy kept building inside me.
But something else was building inside me too – a rebellion against the structure of having to post at the same time every night, five nights a week.
So I’m going to experiment to see if I can find a middle ground that works for me. I’m giving myself permission to only post when I’m really inspired. I’m guessing that means I’ll post three to four times a week, but there may be weeks when it’s only two, and other weeks when it’s five or six. My hope is that in letting up on my own requirements and expectations, I’ll give myself the space to be inspired.
I don’t know how this will work. Part of me is afraid that if I give myself the freedom to post whenever I want, I’ll lose my momentum. Part of me thinks that just knowing I have the option to post less often means that I’ll stay inspired and keep posting regularly. I really have no idea. But I like that I’m giving myself an opportunity to experiment – that I don’t have to have it right…and that I’m allowing myself to define what right is for me.
And for the record – those words and ideas are still tumbling around inside me. The past few weeks depleted my energy so far that my head isn’t clear enough yet to do them justice. But I’ll get there.
Super-cool image found here.