I’ve been on a fascinating learning curve over the last week or so (“fascinating” is another word for oh-my-god-this-roller-coaster-is-going-so-fast-and-I’m-not-sure-my-safety-belt-is-fastened.)
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks focusing single-mindedly on my book proposal and accompanying video.
Although it’s slow going, things have been humming along nicely. As I teased on Facebook last week, I got some really fantastic news (I’m still in teasing mode, but it’s definitely good news in terms of the book proposal.)
I’ve spent some time cataloging my accomplishments and connections that I can tout in the proposal and have realized anew how much I’ve done in the last ten years. It’s been exciting!
Last week I had lunch with a beautiful new friend who reflected back to me that she feels like I’m “completely present” in every moment and that she admires the way that I show up, and how transparent and vulnerable I allow myself to be. She even said that she’d like to learn that from me and emulate those qualities. What a gift to hear that!
I’ve been flying high.
Until Saturday morning, when I woke up from a dream about Mr. Blue Eyes. Yep, that’s a name I haven’t uttered in these pages for quite a while. I’d finally started to feel like I could maybe potentially entertain the possibility of a new relationship if one showed up.
And then the dream. I woke up feeling like my heart had shattered yet again. All of the feelings of love and sadness and anger and self-doubt and fear came bubbling up to the surface for another ride on the merry-go-round.
After an ugly cry and a heart-to-heart with my mom, this is what I realized: I’d reached my own internal glass ceiling for joy. I had been feeling so good and riding a wave of self-empowerment…so good that fear kicked in.
“Can it possibly be this good?” my little self-saboteur asked. “If things are going this well, aren’t we due for a fall sometime soon?”
And so my psyche manufactured a crisis to pull me back down to earth. And yes, I do mean MANUFACTURED.
There was nothing overtly upsetting in that dream. But I chose to be upset that he was in it. I chose to spend half a day fixated on the break up. I chose to give away all that good feeling that I’d built up over the previous couple of weeks and wallow in a bunch of “I’m not good enough” hooey.
My beloved coach Ken often asks, “How much joy can you stand?” This week I bumped my head against that glass ceiling.
Fortunately, I had plans last night to go out to a movie premiere with a friend. The woman sitting right behind us said, “I know you! I was in your workshop last summer and I read The Miracle Journal a couple times a week. It really helps!”
Today’s miracle: I get to choose whether to focus on the fear and upset of the dream, or on the good feelings of the last couple weeks. I choose to shatter the glass ceiling!
For email subscribers: Starting this week, I’ll be switching to a new delivery system for blog updates. It will look and act a little different, but you’ll still get an email each time I post. In the event that you stop getting emails this week, PLEASE LET ME KNOW so I can fix any hiccups. Thanks!